Six Pack Samuel

I just took my ACSM certification class for Personal Trainers a few weekends ago. I realize that I have quite a bit of studying to do before I can take the examination for my license. So while I wait for my study materials to arrive I have been contemplating what my niche in the world of training is going to be. There are already so many boot camps and trendy training centers out there I feel a little overwhelmed with finding anything new and different.

I was chatting with a client about how sedentary our culture has become and about how our grandparents didn’t have to go to gyms – they got plenty of exercise doing everyday things like working in the yard, cleaning the house and shucking corn for god’s sake. They actually USED their lower appendages for walking, whereas I sometimes eye mine suspiciously waiting for them to make the first move. So anyway, It occurred to me that people don’t need fancy gyms, they just need to get up and DO stuff! Some of you are probably asking yourselves, “How can humans do manual labor when most of us get winded just putting on our pants?! And who in the world does things for themselves anymore?”

The Amish do…that’s who.

Say what you will about their Flowbee-like hair cuts and apparent dislike of color, these folks work their asses off. My new business plan doesn’t include rent and there’s no overhead. All I need to do is find some people who need a bunch of crap done and there you go – all the fresh air, sunshine and basal cell carcinoma they can handle.
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Bank Of Ameri-Crap

Well imagine my surprise when I heard that Bank Of America is going to be charging a fee for customers to use their debit card! Are you kidding? You mean to tell me that MY bank – the bank that sees my less than impressive paychecks? The bank that looks at my savings account monthly and sends me statements as a reminder that if I don’t get busy I’ll be spending my golden years eating dog food out of pull tab cans and reusing my adult diapers? THAT Bank Of America? Are you sure??

Oh, they’re sure.

I decided rather quickly that I needed to voice my displeasure and so I didn’t bother to spend a whole lot of time choosing my words carefully or even attempting to be a grown up about it. I pretty much just vomited my disgust via an email to Brian Moynihan, CEO & President of BOA.

FUN FACT #1! Brian Moynihan’s annual income is $6,511,468.00 (2009) (That’s 128 times the average US income!) and his daily compensation is $17,839.64!

So anyway – gross display of greed aside, here’s what I had to say:

“I need some clarification about these new fees. First of all, what happened with the bail out money? And when did it become the customer’s problem because the banks made bad decisions? I understand that the percentage rate on merchant transactions is being reduced and you and the other banks would like to “recoup” that loss by passing it on to your customers – but again how is that our fault? So your profit margin won’t be as high as you would like it to be and perhaps you won’t get a raise and will have to squeak by on just a few million, but you shouldn’t have to alter your lifestyle too much – Maybe a little less sushi here and there and you sell the yacht on CraigsList.

It seems to me that if you are essentially BORROWING other people’s money to invest and make MORE money for yourselves you should be giving US something. Not the other way around. Don’t bill me for borrowing MY money and don’t bill me for using a debit card to access MY OWN MONEY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS????”
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Sun Soaked And Left For Dead

Well summer is half over – thank god. Ang and I have managed to spend no more than 72 hours outside – most of which were spent running from parking lots to air conditioned buildings like we were fleeing from angry hornets. We knew that if we were going to brave the outdoors we would have to be near a body of water. So we decided to take a trip to what boasts to be the biggest water park in the country: Schlitterbahn!

If you have never HEARD of Schlitterbahn then it sounds like a dream! Acres and acres of water slides, roaring rapids and lazy rivers that have you floating around rocks and through majestic trees. Parents and children sitting under 200-year-old live oaks eating a picnic lunch and giddy about all the swell fun they will be having. The smell of Turkey legs and funnel cakes hangs in the air, people are dancing to music blasting over the loud speakers and every now and then a delighted child goes bobbing past – and you have to smile.

THE REALITY:

Having actually BEEN to Schlitterbahn, or as I like to affectionately call it, Shitter-bahn – the truth lies somewhere between my Willy Wonka-like vision and a riotous angry mob of sweaty adults and urine-soaked children. First of all, the park is really three separate parks – two of which are located several blocks away from the “original” park. The best thing about the original park is that there are lots of trees and shade. The worst thing about the original park…is the smell, which reeks of mildew and trash cans. The park was built in 1966 and I feel certain that NOTHING has been power washed, painted or deodorized since then. Due to the lack of signage, we spent a great deal of time asking for directions to things. While the park is a decent size, it’s so compact and nestled into the trees that I half expected to see Bilbo Baggins sitting on a mushroom passing out maps.

The newer side of the park, while open and much less claustrophobic, had a frenzied B movie vibe. I wrestled a tube away from a little girl who looked like she had barely escaped the jaws of a prehistoric sea creature and hopped onto my float before I was quickly absorbed into the torrent river of screaming maniacal faces. What I thought was going to be a nice “lazy river” with a few waves rolling in was a bit like rats being flushed out of a sewer. Cumulatively, we all merged into an enormous vinyl mass of suffocating panic. Mothers were clawing at the water trying to grab their children before they were sucked under and lost for good – the whole scene was more like a naval rescue mission than a water park feature. Add to this the “bicycling” music from the Wizard of Oz and some strategically placed fun house mirrors -THEN the insanity effect would be complete. Two hour wait times and soggy artery clogging food between your toes – I gave this park 1 star, but only because I didn’t come home with an intestinal parasite.