Hiring…One Lucky S.O.B.

Gosh. I know we are in a downed economy right now, but I feel like the companies that are hiring might be taking advantage of our desperate nature. Case in point – as I was perusing through the cyber want ads this morning, I saw a posting whose tag line was, “HIGH PRESSURE!” Wow. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! What human being alive doesn’t want to jump right into a frying pan like that?

Copywriter needed for fast paced publishing company! PhD and 7 years of copywriting experience required or 30 years of copywriting experience and yet still be young enough to be hip and not mumble a lot. Capable of managing a motley crew of slackers who would rather dig out their eyes with a stick than show up to work. Must be proficient in every single Windows program including the ones that are not relevant to your job or are so outdated they don’t work but you still need to know because they are taking up space on our hard drives and we don’t know how to remove them. We have a generous benefits package for the right candidate. Exactly what those benefits are will be revealed to you upon hiring and only if you can tell us how to get the IRS off our backs. Please forward a resume and cover letter to: Imafool@wepubcrap.com.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to update my ‘Objectives’ section on my resume to say *Soul is non-negotiable.*

Six Pack Samuel

I just took my ACSM certification class for Personal Trainers a few weekends ago. I realize that I have quite a bit of studying to do before I can take the examination for my license. So while I wait for my study materials to arrive I have been contemplating what my niche in the world of training is going to be. There are already so many boot camps and trendy training centers out there I feel a little overwhelmed with finding anything new and different.

I was chatting with a client about how sedentary our culture has become and about how our grandparents didn’t have to go to gyms – they got plenty of exercise doing everyday things like working in the yard, cleaning the house and shucking corn for god’s sake. They actually USED their lower appendages for walking, whereas I sometimes eye mine suspiciously waiting for them to make the first move. So anyway, It occurred to me that people don’t need fancy gyms, they just need to get up and DO stuff! Some of you are probably asking yourselves, “How can humans do manual labor when most of us get winded just putting on our pants?! And who in the world does things for themselves anymore?”

The Amish do…that’s who.

Say what you will about their Flowbee-like hair cuts and apparent dislike of color, these folks work their asses off. My new business plan doesn’t include rent and there’s no overhead. All I need to do is find some people who need a bunch of crap done and there you go – all the fresh air, sunshine and basal cell carcinoma I can handle.
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Bank Of Ameri-Crap

Well imagine my surprise when I heard that Bank Of America is going to be charging a fee for customers to use their debit card! Are you kidding? You mean to tell me that MY bank – the bank that sees my less than impressive paychecks? The bank that looks at my savings account monthly and sends me statements as a reminder that if I don’t get busy I’ll be spending my golden years eating dog food out of pull tab cans and reusing my adult diapers? THAT Bank Of America? Are you sure??

Oh, they’re sure.

I decided rather quickly that I needed to voice my displeasure and so I didn’t bother to spend a whole lot of time choosing my words carefully or even attempting to be a grown up about it. I pretty much just vomited my disgust via an email to Brian Moynihan, CEO & President of BOA.

FUN FACT #1! Brian Moynihan’s annual income is $6,511,468.00 (2009) (That’s 128 times the average US income!) and his daily compensation is $17,839.64!

So anyway – gross display of greed aside, here’s what I had to say:

“I need some clarification about these new fees. First of all, what happened with the bail out money? And when did it become the customer’s problem because the banks made bad decisions? I understand that the percentage rate on merchant transactions is being reduced and you and the other banks would like to “recoup” that loss by passing it on to your customers – but again how is that our fault? So your profit margin won’t be as high as you would like it to be and perhaps you won’t get a raise and will have to squeak by on just a few million, but you shouldn’t have to alter your lifestyle too much – Maybe a little less sushi here and there and you sell the yacht on CraigsList.

It seems to me that if you are essentially BORROWING other people’s money to invest and make MORE money for yourselves you should be giving US something. Not the other way around. Don’t bill me for borrowing MY money and don’t bill me for using a debit card to access MY OWN MONEY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS????”
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