Isn’t it bad enough that I can no longer donate my blood plasticized by hydrogenated oils and I am confined to the indoors on days that reach above 90 degrees because the ozone is deemed “unsafe” for any person(s) who happen to have lungs? Now I have to worry about poisoning myself with throw pillows and other decorative items??

Ang and I went to JCPenny recently as we were wanting to purchase some new curtains for our guest room. It’s a rather large window so we had to “special order” the curtains which took about 2 weeks. You can imagine the excitement and anticipation we felt when we received the long awaited call that our drapery “was in.” Of course, Ang and I were a little disappointed that there wouldn’t be anymore sock puppet shows to put on for the neighbors out walking in the evening, but the privacy and modesty of Ang’s mother took presidence.

The problem started once we had the curtains up for about a day. Apparently, insulated lining and hot sun do not mix – but who would have thought that curtains of all things, would be toxic? I was not a happy customer and so I did what any dissatisfied consumer would do and I gave them….A BAD REVIEW.
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I have to say – I really thought that the schmoozy, creepy guy was a thing of the past, you know, now that we are well into the new millennium. Apparently, that genetic mutation has not been bred out completely and has instead been merely suppressed, waiting for just the right inappropriate moment to surface.

It was around 9:30 a.m. this morning – Ang and I just finished our grocery shopping and were headed towards the car when a slightly plump guy of unknown sexual orientation rolled up beside us in his Kia Rio.

Guy: Excuse me, (directed to Ang), but I noticed you in the store and I have to say, I think you’re gorgeous – if your not seeing anyone, would it be okay if I get your phone number?”

Ang: Thanks but…

Me: Well, she’s seeing me actually – but I too appreciate the compliment.
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The way this summer started out, with June being in the hundreds, I thought for sure I was going to have to find some place cooler to spend the next couple of months.

I woke up the other morning to find the Sun actually sitting on my lawn. It had this condescending little smirk on its face too, like, “What are you going to do about it, huh…” Yeah well, In my head I was thinking – “I’ll show you Mr. Smarty Pants, I’m going to take my brand new dome tent and camp out at the wide gaping mouth of an active volcano…that would be FAR more refreshing. I might even take a jacket!

Lately, I’ve been wearing sun screen 24 hours a day. It’s just easier that way – I feel like over time I will eventually build up enough layers to form a hardened second skin. Either that, or my body will naturally produce Octinoxate on its own.

It’s your face that you really have to worry about – I’ve watched far too many friends of mine spending their 40’s looking like a rawhide treat.

I’ve decided that the safest and most cost effective plan, is to just buy a full-face welding mask. It’s a little heavy and your face will feel like it’s in a microwave but at least you won’t look like that lady from “Throw Mama From the Train.”
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