CPR For Dummies

As a massage therapist working for a hospital, I have to be CPR trained. Let me just say, that due to the nature of most of my jobs over the years, I have been CPR trained on and off most of my life – and the hospital I work for graciously gives us two reviews a year before we have to re-certify.

Now here’s my problem.

I CANNOT EVER REMEMBER THIS SHIT!! I don’t care how many times I run through it – when review time comes it’s like I’m Nell, the wild mountain girl, being introduced to this stuff for the very first time. It’s ridiculous.

It would be one thing if I had suffered some kind of trauma to my hippocampus, but I seem fairly capable of creating new memories in other areas of my life. I have no problem recalling….and so, it just leaves me feeling like I’m Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. This crap about your memory going when you get old – hell, at this rate by the time I GET old I won’t be able to remember if I’m really alive or not.

So there I was, once again, waiting for the instructor to run us through the review for re-certification. I did, at least, remember the victim this time – white male, approximately late 20’s early 30’s, no distinguishing features other than he doesn’t have arms or legs so basically we will be rendering help to a torso. And the whole time I’m thinking, “shallow breathing and a weak pulse are the least of his worries because I’m fairly certain his body ends at his navel. Anyway, I did manage to assess his lack of breathing, so I screamed for someone to call 911 and then – forgetting the next appropriate step in CPR protocol – I just pretended I was choking on my cough drop and allowed the instructor the opportunity to remind every one how to do the Heimlich without driving my xiphoid process into my lung.

I was trying to place the pocket mask over my dummy’s face so I could give my three rescue breaths when his forehead just caved in, then my instructor said, “Ok, alright….um, Melissa, yeah just a little bit a pressure is needed on the mask to create a seal, however I think if you will take your left hand off of his throat then I’m pretty sure that will unblock his airway.”

Despite the fact that the automated external defibrillator can’t really administer a shock – my instructor had a concerned look on her face. The “AED” is kinda cool though because it’s pretty much fool proof. Maybe it needed to be idiot proof – “Oh, I see it now, the button with the lightening bolt on it stands for SHOCK. Got it.” Except I didn’t really get it because as I was yelling at my coworkers….”For the love of God, who’s gonna be the hero here!!” My CPR dummy passed away with 3rd degree burns to his chest, a fatal head trauma and a crushed larynx.

I think my time would best be spent reading up on the Good Samaritan laws – just in case.