Small Spaces

I am an enormous fan of HGTV, especially House Hunters and House Hunters International. Anyone who has ever watched these shows knows exactly what I’m talking about. It may sound boring to some, but for me, watching the angst people experience over whether they can afford their dream home…well… it’s like heroin.

Everyone wants their dream house, but here’s the problem.

In your vision, you are probably shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue when really, you need to be pushing your buggy of dreams down the aisles of Wal-Mart.

Just a little reality check is all most folks need. Hey! I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I deserve and would look oh-so-divine driving around in a new BMW Roadster, but when I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and head for the garage in the morning, my Honda Civic just points and laughs. Life is cruel and so are small compact cars.

So, weird analogy aside. My point is, you don’t need to live in the Taj Mahal to be happy. I see these people night after night on House Hunters saying things like, ” Well, my husband and I just had a baby so we’re having to sell this cramped 5,000 square foot bungalow and move into something a little bigger.” Really?? What did you have exactly? A baby rhinoceros? How much room do 3 people need? Wow, glad I stocked up on sympathy cards. How has this couple not killed each other under such confined living conditions. I guess the “baby” needed more than just the east wing.
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Spontaneous Combustion

Good God! Is it really this hot outside?? Have we really been in the hundreds almost every freaking day since June?? I don’t know what I think about the whole “greenhouse effect” but I do know this……

Texas is either rapidly migrating towards the equator, or the sun is now only yards from the earth’s surface.

Whatever the reason – I’m about one degree away from spontaneous combustion. I only go outside for the length of time it takes me to get from one air conditioned area to the next.

Yesterday afternoon, my girlfriend and I went to the grocery store – now… because she recently bought a new car and because I stupidly told her that if you find a parking space next to a curb, you minimize your number of door dings… we NOW have to park a football field away from the store entrance. Yay me. So anyway, after circling the parking lot 6 or 7 times we finally found a suitable space. By the time we made it inside I had already lost 5 lbs of water weight – however, I’m not really complaining about that. We got our shopping done in about an hour I guess, so on the way out we refilled our canteens, applied more sun screen and off we went on our pilgrimage back across the parking lot. We were about halfway to the car when, as I was wiping the sweat from my eyes, I was almost certain I saw a snowman …..my heart raced for a minute and then I realized it was probably just a mirage.
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A Good Day To Die

Lately, it seems that all my conversations with friends and clients have revolved around health issues. Now maybe that’s because I’m a massage therapist and a self-proclaimed food Nazi – or maybe it’s because lately….everyone I know has had some kind of medical scare.

Hmm…..medical scare….that pretty much amounts to being told that all the crappy things you’ve been doing to your body have finally caught up with you.

The doctors give you the “I told you so” look before they coldly announce that your colon is now the size of a tube sock and your going to have to live out your life with a bag of shit tied to your waist.

My Grandfather, for example, who was 80 years old and had been smoking since his early 20′s, seemed genuinely horror-struck when given the news that he had lung cancer. Now no one wants to actually hear, outloud, news like that – but you just can’t suck down a liter of tar into your lungs every day without knowing that there will be consequences. I’m almost certain the tooth fairy is made up – but I know for a fact – there is no lung fairy. And who really wants to wake up with that under their pillow.
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