Stick People Are Hot

I have known my best friend Karen since I was in the 3rd grade, and even though I moved away when I was 14, we still keep in touch.

I moved to Ohio when I had just turned 8, and I was thrilled to be out of the mind-numbing hellhole I call Atlanta. We met when I was walking down the sidewalk on the day we moved in. She beckoned me with a wave to come over. She was sitting on the grass casually digging a small hole – for what I’m still not sure – but whatever it was, it was in a little cardboard box (I’m pretty sure it wasn’t treasure). When I got close enough, I saw her quickly stuff it down into the hole. I walked over and said, “Hi! I live right down there in that house with the yellow door.”

She could have cared less. Instead of acknowledging me, she just looked me up and down before blurting out, “Do you know what a penis is?”

Okay. I guess we can just cut through all the typical niceties kids our age normally engage in – you know, things like “What’s your name, how old are you, what are you burying in that tiny grave your digging?” I mean, shucks! Why bother with boring pleasantries when I could instead discuss human anatomy with the little girl version of Jeffrey Dahmer.

Eventually the ‘creepy’ wore off and she and I became best buds. In fact, we were inseparable. As I think back on my childhood with her, I am amazed at what our twisted little minds could conjure up…considering we were just kids.

Thanks to the invention of cable television, which was loosely policed by our naïve parents, my friend and I spent quite a few afternoons checking out channel 45 – the p*rn channel. It provided us with hours and hours of – my stomach is going to explode and my face will freeze this way – laughter. “Are they for real???” I asked. Even our 11-year-old minds knew this was beyond ridiculous. Certainly the grown ups in our lives DID NOT do ANYTHING like this! Thank God this was light p*rn. We had a hard enough time looking our unsuspecting parents in the face as it was.

Gradually as time went on, we became more educated conosours and began critiquing each one on acting, believability – that sort of thing. An indisputable favorite however, was “The Double Exposure Of Holly.” It actually had a plot and a very nice lesbian scene. (As a side note, I am gay but I’m fairly certain this is not what did it for me. I give credit to Stephanie Powers and Jane Seymour for shining a light on that little secret.) Anyway, Karen and I probably saw “Double Exposure” three or four times before we felt confident enough to draw our own primitive version of the story.

It was a fall afternoon in Mrs. Cook’s 6th grade classroom that the inspiration hit me. As my teacher droned on and on about the importance of hand-washing after visiting the restroom, I was lost in a deep creative fervere. Who knew I had a gift for conveying kama-sutra like intimacy through the artistic use of stick figures? Mrs. Cook recognized my talent almost immediately and felt it should be shared with our principle, Mr. Roy. I have to admit that as I was passing the drawing to Karen I did feel a twinge of pride at what I had created, and even though I knew this meant I would be going down alone…. I wanted all the credit. I believed that I had done a remarkable job in really capturing the essence of this particular scene. Lesbian stick people can be hot.

It all ended badly. But only for me. Karen was spared the humiliation I would endure once I got home and had to face my mother. The call came around 8:30pm. My mother, who was usually anything but calm, hung up the phone gently and with only the slightest bit of worried agitation in her voice she said, “Do you even know what a penis IS???”