A Little Help

Whew! I realized today that it had been almost two weeks since I posted last – shame on me! In my defense, I’ve been spending some time trying to re-invent myself because according to the screaming little voice coming from my rotator cuff – massage is not forever in my future. So – I have gratefully acquired a wonderful part-time opportunity for myself, leaving still – plenty of time for my love of blogging. Now, as long as I can avoid the swine flu and all things Michael Jackson, there shouldn’t be any more distractions.

Speaking of Michael Jackson, (but only briefly), there seems to be a huge trend among 9 and 10 year old girls to dress as Michael for Halloween. White, baby faced little girls – excellent choice really. Finding a costume for myself has proven to be a little more complicated. I’m not a huge fan of the store bought costume and I have waited too long to allow ample time to fast and groom myself for the emaciated runway model costume I had so desired. In desperation, I have thought about going as the ‘swine flu’ or MRSA and there’s always a multitude of things you can do with a nice set of bubba teeth; however, If anyone reading this has any good ideas – I am in a weakened state and highly susceptible to suggestions – so now’s your chance.

If you DO decide to take pity on me and offer up some creative costume ideas, please keep this in mind:

I am not genetically engineered for, AND I have an intense allergic reaction to any costume that makes me look like a whore. No offense intended to those who do wish to look like a whore – it’s just not a good look for me. Besides, considering the lack of income I’ve been experiencing lately – it could end up being my gateway drug.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Hannibal Misty

This is to anyone who has ever owned a miniature poodle – I’m sure you will understand where I’m coming from. To those of you who have not – well, I can relate to you as well.

I used to have a stereotypical view of poodles too; in fact, I would have much rather owned an angry badger than a poodle.

I saw poodles as high maintenance, yappy dogs that require designer nail polish and topiary style grooming for them to even consider you as their host family. I imagined long applications and background checks; a series of government style deprogramming techniques designed to ferret out any unrealized prejudice that might diminish the happiness of your new poodle.

It has been 2 years since Misty the poodle came into my life, and since then I have added a poodle hybrid – the maltese mix seems to filter out some of the neuroses. As we all know, stereotypes are based on some element of truth – and while my poodle does have an unnatural fear of rain and a propensity towards nervous licking – her neurotic moments seem to be fairly manageable. Misty is surprisingly intelligent and although she hasn’t quite gotten the hang of Windows Excel; I feel it’s only a matter of time before she can handle tax season on her own.
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Segway To The Future

Has anyone seen the video of the new Segway like unicycle? It was created by the ingenious Honda folks who brought us the original Segway…you know the upright scooter thingy that all the mall cops wheel around on? Well apparently, watching police officers and mail carriers turn into gelatinous blobs seemed like a HUGE injustice when the rest of us are forced to trudge upon our lower extremities like evolutionary freaks.

Thankfully, and just in time – Honda unveils it newest masterpiece! The U3-X Unicycle!

The U3-X is to the desk jockey what the Segway is to public servants! No longer are the cardiovascularly-challenged forced to sit idly by in their cubicles watching their muscle tissue disentegrate, now they can actually speed up this process by utilizing the compact, electric powered unicycle. Say goodbye to those long walks to the vending machine, the break room or the bathroom to sneak a smoke – this one invention should single-handedly change the evolution of human beings…forever. No more counting the toes of our newborns, because in 100 years, they won’t have legs! Won’t need them. Nothing but the useless appendages of our ancestors, cast aside like old crutches. And that’s just what our legs have become…crutches. We really do rely on them way to much and I, for one, welcome having a little “backup” – just in case.

I will no longer berate myself for missing a day at the gym. Pounding out squats and lunges and mind numbing hamster runs on the treadmill. The time I save can be spent learning how to balance my torso in a chair using nothing but my core muscles.