Hannibal Misty

This is to anyone who has ever owned a miniature poodle – I’m sure you will understand where I’m coming from. To those of you who have not – well, I can relate to you as well.

I used to have a stereotypical view of poodles too; in fact, I would have much rather owned an angry badger than a poodle.

I saw poodles as high maintenance, yappy dogs that require designer nail polish and topiary style grooming for them to even consider you as their host family. I imagined long applications and background checks; a series of government style deprogramming techniques designed to ferret out any unrealized prejudice that might diminish the happiness of your new poodle.

It has been 2 years since Misty the poodle came into my life, and since then I have added a poodle hybrid – the maltese mix seems to filter out some of the neuroses. As we all know, stereotypes are based on some element of truth – and while my poodle does have an unnatural fear of rain and a propensity towards nervous licking – her neurotic moments seem to be fairly manageable. Misty is surprisingly intelligent and although she hasn’t quite gotten the hang of Windows Excel; I feel it’s only a matter of time before she can handle tax season on her own.

As sweet as Misty is, I have reason to believe that she harbors….a dark side.

My partner and I were spending the afternoon hanging out on our back patio – the sun was finally out and it was a relatively cool afternoon for Texas. Our two dogs were also enjoying the weather. Bailey was flopped over on his side, snoozing in the sun while Misty was perusing the yard for anything that might be edible. In the past, Misty has taken a curious interest in insects and other small, delicate things – so when a large and beautiful Monarch butterfly landed nearby, I quickly brought it to her attention. She cautiously wandered over to where it was sitting, tilted her head to one side then looked up at me. “Look Misty, isn’t it pretty?! It’s a butterfly! With my encouragement, She moved in closer and then gently leaned in before engulfing the entire butterfly in her mouth. “No!! Bad Misty, Bad dog!!” I quickly grabbed her and pried open what now seemed like the jaws of a great white and pulled the butterfly out. It was on the ground and walking around dazed and a little pissed off I’m sure – I turned to Misty in disgust, pulled its wing from her bottom lip and told her she was dead to me. She had never done anything like that before – I don’t know what got into her? What started as a Disney/Animal Planet moment quickly climaxed into a frenzied Stephen King ending with Misty the poodle as the unstable sociopath.

After being judged by a jury of her peers and much deliberation – it was decided that Misty be under house arrest and that all outdoor activities be supervised. Under the circumstances, I feel this was a fair and just punishment. Meanwhile, I have been working with Misty using aversion therapy techniques – I tried putting together some flashcards that show “angry faced” butterflies carrying poodles off to a distant, and active volcano where they are dropped in. I’ve been told this was too weird and so now I just muzzle her whenever we venture outside. I believe that with continued treatment, Hannibal Misty will revert back to the “insect friendly” poodle that I know and love.