Don’t Make Me Smite You

So I figured that maybe it was time for me to step out a little and write about something deeper – something with a little more substance, more grit and a bit more controversy.

So I will NOT heed the advice of my mother, but will instead step into the land of “should nots” and discuss….religion.

No!!
Yes.

First of all – I am a huge fan of God. Which is why I find it rather puzzling that GOD – the omnipotent and all powerful creator of the universe, by and large is portrayed as a blackmailer or an angry toddler. Since this is a “blog,” I don’t have the luxury of going through all the chapters of the Bible to build my case, so I will just have to stick with a few of the highlights.

Let’s start with that “behind the scenes” conversation with Abraham where God says, “Listen Abe, if you promise that you will not put any other gods before me and worship me and only me, I can make it worth your while – like maybe I can bless your blood line for all of eternity? I’ve always wondered how that discussion really went. You know, did God start out small, offering spa treatments for the whole family for an entire year, or maybe 24 hour access to their Archangel of choice? Then after hours and hours of back and forth negotiating, God – too darn tired to realize that there aren’t any other gods but him – offers Abraham the deal of the century. I’ll bet when God figured it out later, he was pissed. None the less, I’m a little disappointed that God let his insecurities get the best of him. I like to think that the “Creator of the Universe” has a little bit more insight than that.

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Texas Grackles

(According to Wikipedia, a large group of grackles is called a “plague.”)

It is most definitely that special time of year…and I’m not talking about the Christmas season – It’s the “Season of the Grackles.” Apparently, this obnoxious cousin to the crow prefers the southern states, and so, every year between October and November they make their locust-like migration.

I can be driving along a major thoroughfare when suddenly, while sitting at an intersection, I notice the sky has darkened and I think to myself, “maybe it’s going to rain?” I would be wrong.

What I realize instead, as I look up towards the sky, is that a Hitchcock-worthy invasion has begun.

The grackles solidly cover every roof top, light pole and telephone wire for at least four square miles. It’s an unsettling scene to say the least and since the intentions of these birds is still unclear; I am reluctant to leave the safety of my vehicle in order to get a more panoramic view. In fact, most Texans have learned the value of keeping an inflatable Tippy Hedren in the car just in case we need a diversion getting to the mailbox.

Did you know that In the state of Texas, it is considered a crime to kill migratory birds? Seems like some sort of bastardization of the Amnesty Law – because the way I see it, these birds are breaking some laws of their own. Loitering, destruction of property, illegal crossing of borders – why the preferential treatment? It’s not like they, and their kin showed up with passports in hand at the Ellis Island check point or something…. and why? Because they’re birds!

No worries though. In Texas, we have a way around these small details. Most of the grackles, due to a diet of french fries from a McDonald’s parking lot and the occasional cigarette butt, end up dying of natural causes. The rest… have very “unfortunate accidents.”

Jesus Loves Witches

Well, Halloween has rushed past and I managed to keep from eating myself into a sugar coma. I was surprised really, by how many trick or treaters we had. Each year it seems to get less and less – I guess the combination of wary parents and church “fall festivals” has taken a toll. I’m sorry – but cake walks to the music of Amy Grant, and seeing a 6 year old Jesus re-enact the Crucifiction, just doesn’t get the same reaction out of me like seeing a kid with a bloody knife sticking out of his sternum seems to. I’m “old school” about my Halloween. I don’t ever want to walk into a haunted house and see Moses – that’s just not scary. Unless Moses is holding the decapitated head of a zombie – I’m really just not interested.

When I was a kid, the big Halloween fun buster was a razor blade in your apple.

I was talking to some friends the other day and we came to the conclusion that that particular scenario has been in the minds of trick or treaters for decades – perhaps centuries. I know my mom and dad heard the same thing when they were kids and it begs the question…Has anyone ever really found a razor blade in their apple?? Because quite frankly…I don’t think I’ve ever been given an apple much less one with a shank buried in it. Is it some sort of urban myth designed to keep kids inside on Halloween? Because I gotta say – and I think I speak for most everyone – there isn’t much that can scare a kid away from 5 pounds of free candy. I know I would gladly cut off one of my fingers if that’s all that stood between me and a snickers.

So on the slim chance that this whole “razor blade in the apple” thing IS true; I would like to say this to the individuals who might perpetrate such a crime. Don’t be so passive aggressive about the whole thing. Set a couple of bowls out by the front door marked – “broken glass, please take just one” or throw a Lady Schick right into the bag – There! You’ve had your fun – the kids now know whose house to toilet paper – it’s a win win.