So my dream of owning an iPhone will have to wait a little while longer. Apparently, the iPhone is making plans to defect from AT&T and seek technological immunity with T-Mobile sometime this summer. Until then I am in need of a “bridge phone.”
My current phone, is a Nokia, “only slightly better than using a tin can and some string,” flip phone. It was a “free” upgrade from my last mode of communication – a heavy blanket and a smoldering fire. The problem isn’t dropped calls or minimal coverage – it’s that in most of the calls I make, my voice ends up sounding like I’m a minion of the Dark Lord.
Hello – is Candice available?? Oh, no problem… I just wanted to follow up with her regarding our conversation from last week where she promised us her soul. Do you know when she’ll be back from lunch?”
I sound like I’m in the Witness Protection Program or demanding a ransom. Most people either hang up on me or try to come up with their own explanations – “Ma’am, I CANNOT understand a word you are saying – did you recently have a tracheotomy?? Because our phones aren’t equipped to handle those voice synthesizer thingies – maybe you shouldn’t smoke, cuz I don’t have all day to try and understand your throat cancer sounding ass.”
My mother, on the other hand, is convinced that the “glitch” has less to do with a faulty phone and everything to do with Homeland Security run amok. She’s believes the government is secretly listening in on our conversations. “I mean it Melissa…you just better watch what you say over the phone ya know. Saying things like, Laura Bush is really a man and Dick Cheney is a hermaphrodite isn’t funny if you end up in a ditch, now is it?”
“No…I guess it isn’t. I’ll try to be more careful.”
Me: Harrgh, I gawart thar joberg I wart harging flar!
Mom: “Oh for god’s sake…It’s doing that thing again! I can’t understand you – you sound like demented robot!
Me: Og Kaarrr! Farg thoren, I-orell cawwgull yarg bogkor!
