Forever Lost On LOST

I have been a loyal and religious follower of LOST since the very first episode. Not only have I seen every single episode but in many cases I’ve seen them twice – including the episodes with the helpful tickers at the bottom of the screen. And yet. I remain as clueless as the day I wandered onto the island – I guess it isn’t done with me yet.

By the time the season finale airs, I will probably be sitting in the corner of my living room singing the greatest hits of Boxcar Willie and eating my own hair.

It has been 6 years of unending; reality altering questions. Are the writers looking for US to write the ending? Is that why we have 16 different threads going at one time? It’s like participating in a weekly Rorschach test for an hour – sometimes Locke looks like the devil sometimes it’s Jacob. Lets just recap very quickly what we know:

(1) There have definitely been some psychological experiments taking place as we have learned more about the Dharma Initiative.
(2) Women can’t seem to stay pregnant on the Island (except for Claire who is mentally unstable and in need of a bath)
(3) People seem to be cured of illnesses and handicaps and in some cases brought from the dead – honestly??
(4) The Island moves – no less – by the use of a really big wheel located in an icy tundra (now its starting to piss me off).
(5) Jacob annoyingly answers a question with a question which makes me want to fly into the TV and pluck out his eyes.
(6) The “Smoke Monster” aka “Locke” can kill people – how you ask?? Smoke inhalation….just by being scary…what is he DOING exactly?? Just the fact that I am talking seriously about a show with a “smoke monster” makes me feel like an moron.
(7) Everyone is time traveling and have somehow come to the conclusion that if they set off this atomic bomb they found on the island, then they can reset time. (I now realize that I am the biggest freaking idiot and I should have all sharp objects removed from my vicinity).
(8) Everyone lives in an alternate reality but only Desmond is aware of it – however, in this alternate reality he has located the other main characters and is “waking them up” to this fact. (FYI – I think I am beginning to lose all sense of cohesion in my life. I have started writing “Worm Holes For Dummies” but I keep getting hung up on the part about worms being asexual).

I am now completely desensitized to the ridiculous. Wild pigs could show up on my lawn playing Frisbee golf and I would bring them lemonade. I have been a spectator in the longest running train wreck known to man – all I can hope for now is some sort of an ending that makes sense. My greatest fear used to be that the answer would be something that viewers had been predicting – the survivors are really dead and in hell/purgatory/a psychological experiment/parallel universe/living in the basement of the Ronald McDonald house and Jacob is really the Hamburglar. At this point my insatiable curiosity has been trumped by a Kevorkian need to put an end to the suffering.

Worst case scenario: The final 10 minutes of the season show Hurley sitting at a familiar rec room table – Jack and Kate are with him except this time, WE can’t actually see them. Why? Because Hurley has multiple personality disorder and has been institutionalized for the past 6 years and he’s only getting worse! HaHa!! What clever writers those LOST guys are!

I’m alone and barricaded in for the night. My cell phone is off, and sitting next to me on the coffee table are two items. The first is a glass of Riesling . The second is an angry pit viper….

“Insert conclusion here”