Drive By…Shot Down

I have to say – I really thought that the schmoozy, creepy guy was a thing of the past, you know, now that we are well into the new millennium. Apparently, that genetic mutation has not been bred out completely and has instead been merely suppressed, waiting for just the right inappropriate moment to surface.

It was around 9:30 a.m. this morning – Ang and I just finished our grocery shopping and were headed towards the car when a slightly plump guy of unknown sexual orientation rolled up beside us in his Kia Rio.

Guy: Excuse me, (directed to Ang), but I noticed you in the store and I have to say, I think you’re gorgeous – if your not seeing anyone, would it be okay if I get your phone number?”

Ang: Thanks but…

Me: Well, she’s seeing me actually – but I too appreciate the compliment.

It was obvious from the look on the guy’s face that he really hadn’t considered that we might be a couple (simple mistake, no big deal) So, he just said “Oh, Okay” and drove off. Ang was enjoying her moment. “He said I was gorgeous.” Although, we were both a little confused because the guy clearly seemed gay to us. Not gay in the – wears lingerie on the weekend and has a wallet photo of Joan Crawford – but he was about one syllable away from a serious lisp and was very ‘wavy’ with his hands when he spoke.

So we’re loading our groceries in the car when Rico Suave drives up again and stops.

Guy: Hey again…um…you really are beautiful and you, (referring to me), are not far behind. (not far behind…really…why is this man still single!) Anyway, it would make a guy really happy – would you two consider swinging??

He had his hands under his chin like he was waiting to blow out his birthday candles and I’m thinking to myself, “I might consider swinging a bat at your pudgy little Ted Bundy head.”

Me: Yeah…about that…you just went from complimentary to creepy in a few short moments. Quite frankly I had you pegged as a closeted gay man – they tend to be drawn to lesbians like erratic June bugs are drawn to a pool light. So, if you don’t mind I would appreciate it if you would just move along now.”

I wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed or just mad, but COME ON – how did he think that would play out?? Me and Ang would look at each other batting our eyes with ridiculous donkey grins on our faces – “Well, if you’ll give us a few minutes to run home and put away our dairy items, we’ll meet you back here by the guy grilling sausages in front of the patio furniture!”