Wanted: One Empty Nest
I don’t have kids and I don’t want any. There…I said it.
That doesn’t mean that I’m kid “unfriendly” in a – “take them to a remote location and leave them for dead” kind of way – I would just prefer to view them from behind glass or some other safe enclosure. My mom used to tell me that she didn’t particularly like children. You would think that would suck a little since in fact, she had two – but in actuality it wasn’t that bad. My sister and I ended up with a mom who didn’t have to live vicariously through us – hanging on our every word, and telling her friends how smart we are because at 9 years old we managed to figure out the whole tooth fairy farce on our own. No – my mom is a realist, she believes in telling it like it is. I admire her for that.
When I was a kid the word “everyone” was a forbidden term. I used it frequently to expose her backward, hillbilly way of thinking. When I wanted a phone in my room – “everyone” had one but me. When I wanted to stay up past ten o’clock on a school night – “everyone” else was getting to. Everyone had a pool, everyone had bunk beds, and everyone had a mom who let them spend the night in a cemetery because it’s fun. I never got the penguin I wanted either.
My mother would just stand there calmly letting me ramble on with my evidence of “everyone,” before rolling her eyes and sighing… “Who exactly is everyone Melissa? How is it that you have come to know everyone hmm?? Then she would pull a National Geographic from the bookshelf and flip it open to the middle before shoving it under my nose. “How about these people here?? I suppose you believe that each one of them has a 1500 gallon salt water aquarium with sea otters as well? They don’t even have pants Melissa.”
In my Mother’s defense most of my wants were outlandish and unrealistic. Today, kids are a little more savvy and sophisticated; their wants and wishes a little less Disney and far more practical – I want a 55 inch TV in my room because when I car jack someone I need to really BELIEVE it – or – I need an iPhone because the lemonade stand business ain’t running itself and I need to check my google stats. It seems like nowadays, kids go from preschool to high school and upon graduation, expect to live in a large flat somewhere close to the metro where they can start their mornings at Starbucks alarming themselves with Dow Jones averages before they rush off to a meeting with Steve Jobs. Who the hell is gonna deliver my pizza in five years, that’s what I need to know.
Most of my friends live with their 20 something year old children who.. “have been looking for a job but they can’t get NASA to email them back.” I know life is short and you shouldn’t just settle for whatever, but it’s not “life-cycle of a butterfly” short and by all means feel free to take some crap jobs for a while – just until you can save up for the Hummer you will be living in.
No. As much as I love kids and the silly little things they say like, “Aunt Mary said you could carry a cooler on that ass,” I think I will just leave child rearing to the experts and to people who don’t mind fighting over the remote control with their 30 something, still living at home, waiting for his youtube video to go viral , son.
I prefer to spend the rest of my years finding some other way to make a difference in the world – and if I can sleep in on the weekends and have all the Corona for myself, then even better.
2 Comments
I’m not a step-dad. I’m a bachelor helping raise Tessa’s son. I think it’s better this way. I never lay down the law. I always appeal to Tessa on discipline and then back up her ruling. We’re lucky, because the boy is rarely surly and knows that Tessa can call either me or his dad if she needs to. And there are other advantages. The kid is, like, immune to Playboy. I have had stacks of them everywhere since he was four (He’s 13, now). There’s a copy right in front of me open to the interview with Paul Reubens. He has used this workstation most of the afternoon and has not touched it.
Love your mom, by the way.
my favorite line: “They don’t even have pants Melissa.” Seriously though – kids need to get involved in sports, clubs, or some other form of extracurricular activities that don’t involve a game console. What ever happened to jumping rope and hop scotch? I was ALWAYS outside playing as a kid.