The Jig Is Up
So maybe it’s a little ironic that of ALL the people in the Dallas Metroplex to have a crazy lady calling them – I end up the lucky recipient.
The past couple of months for me have been somewhat – “harried.” Then about 3 weeks ago, I had several missed calls on my phone from an unknown number. Curious…I called the number. It was to a mental hospital. I felt an immediate pang of paranoia for a moment, afraid that a concerned loved one might be doing something – “for my own good.” Fortunately most of the people I know, are themselves, one Froot-Loop shy of a bowl.
Anyway, my mystery caller called back and we had a D-E-L-I-G-H-T-F-U-L conversation…
Me: Hello?
Crazy: Who the hell is this?!
Me: Um…this is Melissa, who are you looking for?
Crazy: Carl.
Me: I’m sorry, there’s no one here by that name
Crazy: I don’t BE-LIEVE you Melissa
Me: (silence)
Crazy: The police are coming for you Melissa – I’m with the FBI and I have CONNECTIONS…do you hear me?! You’re nothing but a SLUT and a communist sympathizer and the JIG..IS..UP!
Me: I am NOT a communist sympathizer.
Crazy: Oh I know what YOU are but you don’t know what I am. You don’t know WHO I am and let me tell you something you’re not the only “chicken of the sea”…..charlie, charlie, chaarrrrlieee!
Me: Okay…is there something I can do – are you feeling alright ?
Crazy: Oh I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m just fiiiiiiiiine. Don’t you worry about me, your the one that the Po-lice is after. You just better watch yourself, your in some hot, hot water…….click.
So. The appropriate thing for me to do, would be to just block her number. But I can’t. I’m in too deep now. This shit is better than Big Brother & Jersey Shore combined. Driving home from work she called me 5 times but didn’t leave a message so the next time she called I answered the phone. As soon as I did she was screaming a fairly vulgar little diddy about my “Mama’s in hell and my brother’s in jail” then a string of obscenities that surprisingly, she managed to rhyme. I was a little impressed by that.
Anyway, If your interested, I uploaded a few of her messages to youtube. Enjoy:)
6 Comments
OMFG that shit’s phucking funny! I would have to answer the phone and phuck with her. When someone is looney tunes like that it’s not very hard to mess with their head. I use to live next door to a crazy phucker like that woman. My neighbor would put on this slutty red dress and go door to door telling us all that the song Devil in a Red Dress was written about her and that her house was flooding. It wasn’t and it wasn’t. I love crazy ppl!!
Hey! I know all the words to that “Mama’s in hell” ditty you mentioned. I can post them if you like, but it’s also extremely racist, not just filthy. I should probably e-mail them.
Last time I got a call like this was about a year ago. I started talking like the bad guy in the first Dirty Harry movie. Remember? He had that weird sing-songy voice that I’ve always loved. Freaked out the guy who was trying to freak me out. I heard his girlfriend in the background crying and begging him to hang up on me. Actually, I freaked out my own girlfriend, too, as I recall.
Melissa, PLEASE keep posting more audio clips, I LOVE IT! you’re gonna get it get it get it! ADIOS ADIOS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ROR! This is awesome…Please give us more of the audio as it keeps coming.
Next time she calls, just tell her you’re Melissa’s twin sister Carla and see if she talks bad about you behind your back :)
Ummmm……yeah….her cheese has definitely slid off the cracker!!!!!