A Little Good News

The way this summer started out, with June being in the hundreds, I thought for sure I was going to have to find some place cooler to spend the next couple of months.

I woke up the other morning to find the Sun actually sitting on my lawn. It had this condescending little smirk on its face too, like, “What are you going to do about it, huh…” Yeah well, In my head I was thinking – “I’ll show you Mr. Smarty Pants, I’m going to take my brand new dome tent and camp out at the wide gaping mouth of an active volcano…that would be FAR more refreshing. I might even take a jacket!

Lately, I’ve been wearing sun screen 24 hours a day. It’s just easier that way – I feel like over time I will eventually build up enough layers to form a hardened second skin. Either that, or my body will naturally produce Octinoxate on its own.

It’s your face that you really have to worry about – I’ve watched far too many friends of mine spending their 40′s looking like a rawhide treat.

I’ve decided that the safest and most cost effective plan, is to just buy a full-face welding mask. It’s a little heavy and your face will feel like it’s in a microwave but at least you won’t look like that lady from “Throw Mama From the Train.”
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Segway To The Future

Has anyone seen the video of the new Segway like unicycle? It was created by the ingenious Honda folks who brought us the original Segway…you know the upright scooter thingy that all the mall cops wheel around on? Well apparently, watching police officers and mail carriers turn into gelatinous blobs seemed like a HUGE injustice when the rest of us are forced to trudge upon our lower extremities like evolutionary freaks.

Thankfully, and just in time – Honda unveils it newest masterpiece! The U3-X Unicycle!

The U3-X is to the desk jockey what the Segway is to public servants! No longer are the cardiovascularly-challenged forced to sit idly by in their cubicles watching their muscle tissue disentegrate, now they can actually speed up this process by utilizing the compact, electric powered unicycle. Say goodbye to those long walks to the vending machine, the break room or the bathroom to sneak a smoke – this one invention should single-handedly change the evolution of human beings…forever. No more counting the toes of our newborns, because in 100 years, they won’t have legs! Won’t need them. Nothing but the useless appendages of our ancestors, cast aside like old crutches. And that’s just what our legs have become…crutches. We really do rely on them way to much and I, for one, welcome having a little “backup” – just in case.

I will no longer berate myself for missing a day at the gym. Pounding out squats and lunges and mind numbing hamster runs on the treadmill. The time I save can be spent learning how to balance my torso in a chair using nothing but my core muscles.