This is what I call my new “train wreck” show – I can’t stop watching it. The past few weekends they have been running a marathon and I can barely tear myself away to get something to drink or go to the bathroom. If you have never watched this show before, this is pretty much the synopsis. Someone is (a) lost in the outback/desert/ocean/mountains or (b) they aren’t “lost” necessarily but just unable to save themselves because they have crushed both their legs; are in a hypothermic state and cannot move OR they have gone so long without food and water that all they can do is lay down and wait for death. That about sums it up. Episode after episode of “Oh my god WILL they make it – and of course they do because there they are telling their story. I mean each show is pretty much the same, you would think that with the mystery gone I could just turn off the T.V. and walk away. Not so much.

When I first started watching it was a real adrenalin rush for me. I felt their panic and would cry along with them as they relived the anguish of possibly never seeing their families again – fighting against all odds to survive.

I would pause the television multiple times so that I could recount what had happened to Ang, who was usually in the other room trying to tune out my frequent Tourette-like outbursts.

“OH MY GOD…can you believe he is going to actually EAT that dead porcupine?!!” “Ang!! You have to see this! This lady fell out of a PLANE – broke every bone in her body and still managed to crawl 18 miles to a gas station! How I ask you – how did she do this?!

There’s a peculiar thing that happens after watching 13 episodes back to back without sleep. You desensitize a bit. For example – a woman takes off alone on a long road trip and decides along the way that it would be a cool idea to take a hike in the Grand Canyon. So she fills up her back pack with several life saving accoutrements – asks someone where the trail head is that will lead her to this quaint little Indian village and heads out. So far, so good – yeah right, I feel like Rod Serling in the Twilight Zone. “Jessica Miller. A young twenty something, trying to make just a small mark for herself in the vast desolate nothingness of…The Twilight Zone. Okay, so “Jessica” has been walking for 5 hours now when she comes upon a sign that she “thinks” points the way to the Indian village. She can’t really read it very well however because it’s weathered and so she decides to just guess. She takes a right. TAKES A RIGHT…in the GRAND CANYON. Really?? Oh and her back pack was slowing her down so she decides to drop it. She does hang onto her purse – she may need to freshen up before she meets the Indians.

At this point I’m no longer sitting on the edge of my seat, sympathizing and anguishing over her plight. Now I just think she’s an idiot. “Who the hell leaves behind food, water, and shelter but keeps their purse?!! An idiot. This girl wandered around the Grand Canyon for 20 days. Her skin looks like beef jerky and the only water she has had is what little moisture she could collect from some rock. I just keep yelling at the T.V. “why did you leave behind your back pack!?? You deserve what you get stupid.” This episode should have been titled “I Shouldn’t Be Left Unattended.” The Indians finally found her – she had lost 30 pounds and was mumbling something about coyotes coming by to collect the rent.

I think “Biggest Loser” could use this show as inspiration. Put all the contestants on the “drop my ass in the Grand Canyon diet.”

Obviously, someone came to the realization that despite the onslaught of wooden yard art begging us to keep ‘Christ in Christmas,’ Santa was still getting all the fan fare. Let’s face it – he does bring all the presents. On the other hand, if Jesus were still around then I’m thinking that whole ‘turning water into wine’ thing would be hugely popular. An endless supply of Pinot Grigio for some lucky girl or boy! Of alcoholic parents. I’m just saying…it would go over big.

Santa has commercialism on his side. What Jesus needs to do is…well for one…get out of the damn cradle already. What is that all about anyway? Who stays a baby FOREVER. Every December 25th Jesus is what? AN INFANT! How about letting him grow up, then kids could sit on his lap and proclaim their wishes. Times have changed and Jesus needs to keep up, lets get him a publicity manager and have him do some charity work again. Maybe show him having a round of golf with Jerry Lewis or speaking at a ‘Walk For The Cure’ breast cancer rally. Jesus knows this stuff and frankly Santa, for the most part, is a recluse. I think this could be his undoing.

Be that as it may, Christmas is what it is and it’s probably not going to change.

So thanks to the Crusades and a dying Pagan religion we now have the holiday of hodge-podginess known as Christmas. It’s Jesus’ BIRTHDAY!! Bring presents! And a dying tree that we can gussy up real purdy-like.

She kept saying things like, “Hey I like this room. It’s green.” “Hey, these light switch covers are really cool but I noticed water was pouring out of one of them – is that bad??” The two of them ran through the gauntlet of houses before narrowing it down to the top three. I couldn’t help but notice that pedophile guy was always interested in the basement and kept commenting on the walls being made of thick concrete. His exact quote: “Yeah, and this concrete is at least 2 feet thick – you can bang on it and yell and no one can hear you.” Run away Betty. Run Fast.

I’m always amazed at the nerve some buyers have when making offers on a house. They have no qualms about asking for appliances, flat screen TV’s, pets, gently used under garments, whatever their greedy little hearts desire. “Oh my god Steve!! Did you see that beautiful 19th century Armoire in the dining room!?? Excuse me, realtor person, please tell Mrs. Kensington that we just LOVE the house and would she mind throwing in the priceless antique Armoire that I assume came from a dead grandmother? I just don’t think we could even CONSIDER buying the house if that weren’t included. Oh, and the Persian rug from the living room…. and her grandmother’s ashes. Thanks!!”

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if they had a couple on the show looking for a “fixer upper” and the realtor took them to see a crack house? “Oh, and if you’ll kick that filthy mattress aside, you’ll see that the owners have already started sanding through the excrement, exposing the original wood floors beneath. And since there isn’t any sheet rock on the walls, it will be SUPER easy to get in and remove any dead animals and get that wiring up to code – it truly was a miracle that no one was seriously injured in the fire.”

COMING THIS FALL ON HGTV!

Mondays at 8pm Central : “My House Is Worth Whaaat!!”

Wednesday 9pm Central : “Get It Sold! Or Else I’m Gonna Be Living With Your Ass.”

That doesn’t mean that I’m kid “unfriendly” in a – “take them to a remote location and leave them for dead” kind of way – I would just prefer to view them from behind glass or some other safe enclosure. My mom used to tell me that she didn’t particularly like children. You would think that would suck a little since in fact, she had two – but in actuality it wasn’t that bad. My sister and I ended up with a mom who didn’t have to live vicariously through us – hanging on our every word, and telling her friends how smart we are because at 9 years old we managed to figure out the whole tooth fairy farce on our own. No – my mom is a realist, she believes in telling it like it is. I admire her for that.

When I was a kid the word “everyone” was a forbidden term. I used it frequently to expose her backward, hillbilly way of thinking. When I wanted a phone in my room – “everyone” had one but me. When I wanted to stay up past ten o’clock on a school night – “everyone” else was getting to. Everyone had a pool, everyone had bunk beds, and everyone had a mom who let them spend the night in a cemetery because it’s fun. I never got the penguin I wanted either.

My mother would just stand there calmly letting me ramble on with my evidence of “everyone,” before rolling her eyes and sighing… “Who exactly is everyone Melissa? How is it that you have come to know everyone hmm?? Then she would pull a National Geographic from the bookshelf and flip it open to the middle before shoving it under my nose. “How about these people here?? I suppose you believe that each one of them has a 1500 gallon salt water aquarium with sea otters as well? They don’t even have pants Melissa.”

In my Mother’s defense most of my wants were outlandish and unrealistic. Today, kids are a little more savvy and sophisticated; their wants and wishes a little less Disney and far more practical – I want a 55 inch TV in my room because when I car jack someone I need to really BELIEVE it – or – I need an iPhone because the lemonade stand business ain’t running itself and I need to check my google stats. It seems like nowadays, kids go from preschool to high school and upon graduation, expect to live in a large flat somewhere close to the metro where they can start their mornings at Starbucks alarming themselves with Dow Jones averages before they rush off to a meeting with Steve Jobs. Who the hell is gonna deliver my pizza in five years, that’s what I need to know.

Most of my friends live with their 20 something year old children who.. “have been looking for a job but they can’t get NASA to email them back.” I know life is short and you shouldn’t just settle for whatever, but it’s not “life-cycle of a butterfly” short and by all means feel free to take some crap jobs for a while – just until you can save up for the Hummer you will be living in.

No. As much as I love kids and the silly little things they say like, “Aunt Mary said you could carry a cooler on that ass,” I think I will just leave child rearing to the experts and to people who don’t mind fighting over the remote control with their 30 something, still living at home, waiting for his youtube video to go viral , son.

I prefer to spend the rest of my years finding some other way to make a difference in the world – and if I can sleep in on the weekends and have all the Corona for myself, then even better.

It isn’t just the elderly that suffer from memory loss – friends, loved ones, and myself included are a brain cell away from a rousing discussion about the sinking of the Titanic as if it happened yesterday.

Just a few days ago, my partner Ang, looked me straight in the eye and gave me the most convincing and passionate speech of her lifetime – except I had just told her the same thing only a few days prior. She re-tells my own jokes to me saying, ” So and so at work told me the funniest thing yesterday!” Aaaah, yeah… that was me.

Not that I need “props” or anything, but it is a little disturbing to see her doey-eyed face telling me my own jokes as if they were carved from some untouched region of her brain. I imagine her later years, in a nursing home, filled with enormous adventure and wonder as she discovers a half-empty box of paper clips and claims them as her own creation. Later….she will barge through the doors of the dining hall, her muppet arms flailing wildly as she maniacally spouts the details of her discovery. The other residents, taken by surprise, will drop their jello cups in unison and stare, mouths open, in confused wonder.

On that day, paper clips will become a hot commodity among the barely living.