If you have never HEARD of Schlitterbahn then it sounds like a dream! Acres and acres of water slides, roaring rapids and lazy rivers that have you floating around rocks and through majestic trees. Parents and children sitting under 200-year-old live oaks eating a picnic lunch and giddy about all the swell fun they will be having. The smell of Turkey legs and funnel cakes hangs in the air, people are dancing to music blasting over the loud speakers and every now and then a delighted child goes bobbing past – and you have to smile.

THE REALITY:

Having actually BEEN to Schlitterbahn, or as I like to affectionately call it, Shitter-bahn – the truth lies somewhere between my Willy Wonka-like vision and a riotous angry mob of sweaty adults and urine-soaked children. First of all, the park is really three separate parks – two of which are located several blocks away from the “original” park. The best thing about the original park is that there are lots of trees and shade. The worst thing about the original park…is the smell, which reeks of mildew and trash cans. The park was built in 1966 and I feel certain that NOTHING has been power washed, painted or deodorized since then. Due to the lack of signage, we spent a great deal of time asking for directions to things. While the park is a decent size, it’s so compact and nestled into the trees that I half expected to see Bilbo Baggins sitting on a mushroom passing out maps.

The newer side of the park, while open and much less claustrophobic, had a frenzied B movie vibe. I wrestled a tube away from a little girl who looked like she had barely escaped the jaws of a prehistoric sea creature and hopped onto my float before I was quickly absorbed into the torrent river of screaming maniacal faces. What I thought was going to be a nice “lazy river” with a few waves rolling in was a bit like rats being flushed out of a sewer. Cumulatively, we all merged into an enormous vinyl mass of suffocating panic. Mothers were clawing at the water trying to grab their children before they were sucked under and lost for good – the whole scene was more like a naval rescue mission than a water park feature. Add to this the “bicycling” music from the Wizard of Oz and some strategically placed fun house mirrors -THEN the insanity effect would be complete. Two hour wait times and soggy artery clogging food between your toes – I gave this park 1 star, but only because I didn’t come home with an intestinal parasite.

Just so you know, I’m not usually in favor of racial profiling – and what I mean is – I don’t think I should billy club the first black person I see because there’s a drumstick missing from my bucket of chicken. However, when bombs are consistently found strapped, stuffed and cleverly tucked away on 18-35 year old middle eastern men, I’m willing to make an allowance. So can we PLEASE expedite the process by just pulling all those guys aside and let my 80 year old grandfather get on the plane?

I promise I will change my mind when I start seeing mug shots of elderly people on walkers, with a caption that says; “75 YEAR OLD RETIRED INSURANCE AGENT DETAINED WHEN A SECURITY OFFICER HEARD AN AUDIBLE TICKING COMING FROM THE MAN’S CROTCH”.

When that happens, you can frisk all the old people you want and invade whatever orifice as needed.

We all have an airport story. I remember I was flying out of Tennessee, it was an early morning flight and my ex mother-in-law was drinking a bottle of orange juice when we walked up to our gate.

“M’am, I’m going to have to ask you to take a drink of your orange juice in front of me.”
“Really? But why?”
“M’am just drink the juice or I’m going to have to grope you in a way your husband never has.”

You would have thought she was at a frat party the way she downed that thing. I had some grapes that I had been eating and while the people were chanting, chug, chug, chug!! I was inhaling the rest of them. But COME ON – what are these guys thinking? Terrorists are going to pull out their smuggled toe nail clippers, kick down the door of the cockpit and force poisoned grapes and OJ down the pilots throat while 47 passengers stand stunned and too afraid to make a move?

“We do not want to cause harm.”
“We only want to make like you see in commercial and take to Disney World this plane.”
(staring and blinking)
“Do we make clear? I will not hesitate to rip a hangnail off the first one to make a move.”

Yeah. I’m just going to say it. If a plane full of able bodied men and women can be forced into submission by a finger nail file or a rusty pocket knife – then lets just go ahead and let the plane crash. Probably a sign we need to thin out the herd.

I do appreciate the extra effort towards my safety in the air. However, all that really seems to be happening is that the true terrorists are boarding the plane while Edna of Little Rock, AK. is having a cavity search.

Fronts of the hands, back of the hands – it really doesn’t matter to me – I would just prefer they not be cupping my breasts.

“I’m comin’ for ya Tony…you hear me?? Yous better pay up or I dunno – maybe your house ain’t gonna be so nice anymore, you got dat?

Come to find out, a fire truck WAS dispatched, but they were only there to stand ready should the house next door catch fire. Obviously the neighbors paid there $75.00 “fee.” God forbid someone fall asleep during a neighborhood watch meeting.

“Whose that snorin’? So Bobby – you got some kinda narcolepsy or what? Dis ain’t important enough to keep your attention – are we boring you or somethin??” Maybe you should go home and get some sleep. Maybe when somebody’s bustin’ down your front door ready to pump a couple of rounds into your head – maybe we’re lookin’. Maybe we ain’t.

Not exactly Mayberry. Here’s what the overly verbose Mayor had to say about the whole thing:

“South Fulton Mayor David Crocker told the newspaper that if the city allowed people to pay after the fact there would be no incentive to subscribe. As an analogy, he said an insurer won’t pay for an auto accident if insurance lapses.”

Wow. Is that really a good analogy? Is it? I think a better analogy might be, ” It’s like letting someone drown because they didn’t spring for the life preserver.” Not that I claim to have heightened legislative skills or political savvy but could they not make this fee part of their taxes?? And maybe I’m off base here, but I kinda think that the owners would have preferred to pay a hefty fine over being homeless. But then again, I’m not drinking the same water they are and I only have ten toes.

Ang and I went to JCPenny recently as we were wanting to purchase some new curtains for our guest room. It’s a rather large window so we had to “special order” the curtains which took about 2 weeks. You can imagine the excitement and anticipation we felt when we received the long awaited call that our drapery “was in.” Of course, Ang and I were a little disappointed that there wouldn’t be anymore sock puppet shows to put on for the neighbors out walking in the evening, but the privacy and modesty of Ang’s mother took presidence.

The problem started once we had the curtains up for about a day. Apparently, insulated lining and hot sun do not mix – but who would have thought that curtains of all things, would be toxic? I was not a happy customer and so I did what any dissatisfied consumer would do and I gave them….A BAD REVIEW.

Dear JCPenny:

I recently purchased curtains from the Cindy Crawford Home Embalming Collection. They’re a lovely green color – I believe the official name of the color is “oil green” and now I know why. After a couple of days I began noticing a pungent odor coming from my guest room. Once entering the room I was instantly assaulted by a strong petroleum & egg-like smell that actually blinded me for a few seconds. Blurry-eyed and a little dizzy, I decided that I would try washing them to see if that helped – but the volatile nerve gas was still present. I really liked the curtains and wanted to find a way to make it work, so I went out and purchased a HazMat mask – that seemed to help a little. I was having company in a few days so I wanted to “test” the room out first. Ironically, I fell asleep almost instantly, but when I woke up there was an unnatural amount of drool on my pillow and the left side of my face was completely numb. After speaking to a neurologist, the damage will more than likely be short-term but I was advised to wait awhile before trying to conceive. I decided to go ahead and return the curtains before I lost another fingernail.

I give these curtains 1 star.

It was around 9:30 a.m. this morning – Ang and I just finished our grocery shopping and were headed towards the car when a slightly plump guy of unknown sexual orientation rolled up beside us in his Kia Rio.

Guy: Excuse me, (directed to Ang), but I noticed you in the store and I have to say, I think you’re gorgeous – if your not seeing anyone, would it be okay if I get your phone number?”

Ang: Thanks but…

Me: Well, she’s seeing me actually – but I too appreciate the compliment.

It was obvious from the look on the guy’s face that he really hadn’t considered that we might be a couple (simple mistake, no big deal) So, he just said “Oh, Okay” and drove off. Ang was enjoying her moment. “He said I was gorgeous.” Although, we were both a little confused because the guy clearly seemed gay to us. Not gay in the – wears lingerie on the weekend and has a wallet photo of Joan Crawford – but he was about one syllable away from a serious lisp and was very ‘wavy’ with his hands when he spoke.

So we’re loading our groceries in the car when Rico Suave drives up again and stops.

Guy: Hey again…um…you really are beautiful and you, (referring to me), are not far behind. (not far behind…really…why is this man still single!) Anyway, it would make a guy really happy – would you two consider swinging??

He had his hands under his chin like he was waiting to blow out his birthday candles and I’m thinking to myself, “I might consider swinging a bat at your pudgy little Ted Bundy head.”

Me: Yeah…about that…you just went from complimentary to creepy in a few short moments. Quite frankly I had you pegged as a closeted gay man – they tend to be drawn to lesbians like erratic June bugs are drawn to a pool light. So, if you don’t mind I would appreciate it if you would just move along now.”

I wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed or just mad, but COME ON – how did he think that would play out?? Me and Ang would look at each other batting our eyes with ridiculous donkey grins on our faces – “Well, if you’ll give us a few minutes to run home and put away our dairy items, we’ll meet you back here by the guy grilling sausages in front of the patio furniture!”