Diner Downer

There’s nothing better than a waiter that is totally in tune with your dining needs. There is an art; a zen-like focus and timing when it comes to waiting tables. Now that we have been in our new house for two years, Ang and I have frequented the neighborhood establishments often enough to be on a first name basis with most of the wait staff. They have become our extended family. But just like with family there is always “the one” who goes against the herd; the one they keep in the basement when comp’ny comes. Such was the case with “Alicia.”

In Alicia’s defense, we were new to this particular restaurant so she didn’t know to be dripping with sweet, oozy, delight as she approached our table. She also didn’t know, that despite my racoon-like obsessiveness with clean hands, that we prefer to eat with silverware. Anyway, I’m not sure what octave she was speaking in when she asked what we would like to order but I remember seeing the water in my glass vibrate slightly. Honestly, she had a freakishly high pitched voice that made it impossible to understand what she was saying most of the time so I just nodded a lot. Which explains why I ended up with all you can eat fried pickles and a carafe of limeade.
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Underground Shopper

I am by no means a “savvy” dresser. I don’t embarrass myself by showing up in jellybeans and leg warmers but beyond that I guess my fashion sense is – safe. Not too “Garanimals” and not too “Lady Gaga” – just inconspicuously ordinary. It has come to my attention, however, that my partner Ang sees me as some sort of “What Not To Wear” savant.

Exhibit A: The setting…an ass clinching cold day at Kohl’s Department Store.

Me: Hey Ang! Look at this sweater – what do you think?
Ang: Oh ughh…what is with that ropey pattern and the zipper front – looks like something an old lady would wear.
Me: Really?? I kinda like it actua-
Ang: Do they have my size?? I wear a small….try to find a small…Oh look! They have it in black too! I’m going to get it in black and this un-old lady oatmeal color! You check that rack over there and I’ll keep looking over here. Hurry! I think that woman on the Rascal just put one in her basket.
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Did Someone Lose A Glass Eye?

I used to work for LifeTime Fitness. It was the “Sams” of all the gyms – enormous in size, the 120,000 square foot coliseum consists of a spa, a cafe, two indoor pools, one outdoor pool and enough cardio equipment to accommodate a small village. People would come in droves – it looked more like the entrance gate to Disney World than to a gym – and they just kept coming. There was a youthful vibe that sort of felt like you were stepping into a trendy Latin club. Oh, how I miss my 5.5 run on a state-of-the-art treadmill while watching 7 different TV programs…simultaneously.

I now work for a hospital – in their cardiovascular center. They, too, have a gym and one indoor pool. But the Latin vibe has been more appropriately replaced by easy listening and early 80′s ballads. My flat screens, airing the latest episodes of CSI, The Office and day time soap operas, are now filled with the likes of Glenn Beck and a variety of commentators at Fox News. My gym now has a “post WWII, I survived the depression and will die wearing my Vote For Rush campaign button on my fedora”…kind of vibe.
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