In Alicia’s defense, we were new to this particular restaurant so she didn’t know to be dripping with sweet, oozy, delight as she approached our table. She also didn’t know, that despite my racoon-like obsessiveness with clean hands, that we prefer to eat with silverware. Anyway, I’m not sure what octave she was speaking in when she asked what we would like to order but I remember seeing the water in my glass vibrate slightly. Honestly, she had a freakishly high pitched voice that made it impossible to understand what she was saying most of the time so I just nodded a lot. Which explains why I ended up with all you can eat fried pickles and a carafe of limeade.

For the duration of our meal, Alicia must have checked in on us no less than 7 or 8 times. She never actually stopped AT our table but merely squeaked out an inaudible question as she darted past us on her way to another table. So I just nodded and shortly there after she came back with another basket of pickles. My request for more tea however, rendered her speechless and perplexed. So with my best impression of a porpoise I managed 2 or 3 clicks and a suitable enough squeal. With that she rushed off and grabbed a coffee pot. Oh well – at least it was caffeine.

Our meal ended and being the neat freak that I am I took it upon myself to stack my sugar packets, napkin, unused lemon wedge, straw wrapper, a couple of chickpeas that fell off my salad and piled it on top of my plate. I then leaned back in my chair and continued sipping my cold coffee when Alicia came by took a look at my plate, looked at me and said, “Are you still working on this?”

Yes – yes I am. Could I get some ketchup?

Exhibit A: The setting…an ass clinching cold day at Kohl’s Department Store.

Me: Hey Ang! Look at this sweater – what do you think?
Ang: Oh ughh…what is with that ropey pattern and the zipper front – looks like something an old lady would wear.
Me: Really?? I kinda like it actua-
Ang: Do they have my size?? I wear a small….try to find a small…Oh look! They have it in black too! I’m going to get it in black and this un-old lady oatmeal color! You check that rack over there and I’ll keep looking over here. Hurry! I think that woman on the Rascal just put one in her basket.

What ensued there after, was an uncomfortable display of desperation. With a renewed confidence, she went after each clearance rack one by one with calculated precision. It was a little like watching how a foundling serial killer chooses his next victim – and looks to his mentor for approval. Before long, she had in her hands the “chosen few” that she felt were worthy enough to be added to her collection. I, on the other hand, stood stunned clutching my ONE item, feeling a little dazed and confused by what just happened.

Me: Why is it you now have in your hands three of the shirts I wanted to buy?
Ang: Well you can still get them – I don’t mind.
Me: No…I can’t. We cannot walk around looking like 4 year old twins, That’s just ridiculous.
Ang: It’ll be fine – we just won’t wear them on the same day. What’s that shirt your holding – are you going to get that??

So if I had to guess – I would say that about 40% of the clothes on my side of the closet have a smaller size doppelganger on Ang’s side of the closet. I should just take it as a compliment really – I mean what’s the big deal. As long as she doesn’t cut her hair and start erasing my phone messages, what’s the harm?

I now work for a hospital – in their cardiovascular center. They, too, have a gym and one indoor pool. But the Latin vibe has been more appropriately replaced by easy listening and early 80′s ballads. My flat screens, airing the latest episodes of CSI, The Office and day time soap operas, are now filled with the likes of Glenn Beck and a variety of commentators at Fox News. My gym now has a “post WWII, I survived the depression and will die wearing my Vote For Rush campaign button on my fedora”…kind of vibe.

In a 70+ geriatric environment, the energy wanes somewhat -in fact, there isn’t too much energy really as most of our members move slow and with careful purpose. The rules and regulations for keeping things safe change drastically too in a place where people tend to have balance issues. Perusing the cardio area with a metal detector should be added to our list of classes as many members are forever leaving things behind- like hearing aids, reading glasses, pill boxes and partials. Our lost & found looks like an old person disintegrated and all that was left was an upper plate, a pacemaker and some tums.

At the CVC, our most popular piece of “equipment” would have to be the indoor track – no buttons to push or moving parts to be wary of, just 1/16th of a mile of grey shock absorbent faux asphalt. The rules of the track dictate, that on odd days people must walk in clockwise direction while on even days they walk in a counter clockwise direction. I’ve seen more fist fights among old men just because they forgot it was Tuesday. The dementia folks, however, don’t really walk – they tend to more or less wander….away somewhere.

Once in a while, on a vary rare occasion, like when there’s a full moon or Vampire Diaries has been preempted by a speech from the President, will we get a stray young person. Their brightly colored clothing and quick, bird-like movements catch the eye of the “others” – who cast sideways glares through slitted eyes as the new comer nimbly hops on a treadmill. I see the rolling of their eyes and the disgust on their faces as they presume that this individual’s sole objective for being there is to flaunt their agility and good hips.

To our elderly patrons credit…I commend them for showing up and doing what they can. And from my own personal observations – many of them could out run and out last a few of my 30 something year old friends who have never been to a gym and get winded putting on a coat.