Your memory.

It isn’t just the elderly that suffer from memory loss – friends, loved ones, and myself included are a brain cell away from a rousing discussion about the sinking of the Titanic as if it happened yesterday.

Just a few days ago, my partner Ang, looked me straight in the eye and gave me the most convincing and passionate speech of her lifetime – except I had just told her the same thing only a few days prior. She re-tells my own jokes to me saying, ” So and so at work told me the funniest thing yesterday!” Aaaah, yeah… that was me.

Not that I need “props” or anything, but it is a little disturbing to see her doey-eyed face telling me my own jokes as if they were carved from some untouched region of her brain. I imagine her later years, in a nursing home, filled with enormous adventure and wonder as she discovers a half-empty box of paper clips and claims them as her own creation. Later….she will barge through the doors of the dining hall, her muppet arms flailing wildly as she maniacally spouts the details of her discovery. The other residents, taken by surprise, will drop their jello cups in unison and stare, mouths open, in confused wonder.

On that day, paper clips will become a hot commodity among the barely living.

Everyone has a pet peeve or two – you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. Lately, I have tried to spend less time on my “peeves” and more time being deeply thankful that I’m of sound enough mind to have peeves in the first place, and to be able to bitch about them openly, from time to time.

This is one of those times.

When in God’s name are they gonna plug up that f****ing hole!??

All the accusations about not following regulations, about being cheap and cutting corners, is a bunch of blah, blah, blah bullshit. I don’t really care who “started it,” I just want it fixed before the Great Barrier Reef is upstaged by “The Gulf of Mutated Wonders.” Besides, I imagine when it’s all said and done BP will be retiring from the oil business and spending the rest of their days in a purgatory of unending community service, sponge bathing pelicans and dolphins with Dawn liquid.

I’m sure you’ve seen the same videos that I have – the ones showing people using human hair, chicken feathers, and hay to absorb bowls of oil – and yet BP chooses to spray some sort of “questionable” chemical into the Gulf which only serves to break the oil up into smaller pools. Big freaking deal.

Waaa-laahh! We now have several smaller masses of ecosystem destroying oil floating around instead of just ONE! Pretty cool, huh? Yeah…no…not so much. All that’s been accomplished is that droves of volunteers are going home sick and the marine life is now being suffocated AND poisoned. Brilliant.

And whose bright idea was it to call James Cameron?? Really?? That’s the best they could come up with? “Well, we tried the mile long pipe thingy, and the superglue didn’t work. “I guess that’s it guys, we’re at our wits end- better call an Oscar winning Hollywood director in here, STAT!” Look BP, it’s like this – we’re sorry about the whole Tea Party thing, but you Brits can be a little uptight and unbending – still, it’s no reason to go f***ing up the Gulf of Mexico. Quit being idiots and get the damn hole plugged up already and try to remember that Mr. Cameron is a “movie director”….it’s make believe.

I have been a loyal and religious follower of LOST since the very first episode. Not only have I seen every single episode but in many cases I’ve seen them twice – including the episodes with the helpful tickers at the bottom of the screen. And yet. I remain as clueless as the day I wandered onto the island – I guess it isn’t done with me yet.

By the time the season finale airs, I will probably be sitting in the corner of my living room singing the greatest hits of Boxcar Willie and eating my own hair.

It has been 6 years of unending; reality altering questions. Are the writers looking for US to write the ending? Is that why we have 16 different threads going at one time? It’s like participating in a weekly Rorschach test for an hour – sometimes Locke looks like the devil sometimes it’s Jacob. Lets just recap very quickly what we know:

(1) There have definitely been some psychological experiments taking place as we have learned more about the Dharma Initiative.
(2) Women can’t seem to stay pregnant on the Island (except for Claire who is mentally unstable and in need of a bath)
(3) People seem to be cured of illnesses and handicaps and in some cases brought from the dead – honestly??
(4) The Island moves – no less – by the use of a really big wheel located in an icy tundra (now its starting to piss me off).
(5) Jacob annoyingly answers a question with a question which makes me want to fly into the TV and pluck out his eyes.
(6) The “Smoke Monster” aka “Locke” can kill people – how you ask?? Smoke inhalation….just by being scary…what is he DOING exactly?? Just the fact that I am talking seriously about a show with a “smoke monster” makes me feel like an moron.
(7) Everyone is time traveling and have somehow come to the conclusion that if they set off this atomic bomb they found on the island, then they can reset time. (I now realize that I am the biggest freaking idiot and I should have all sharp objects removed from my vicinity).
(8) Everyone lives in an alternate reality but only Desmond is aware of it – however, in this alternate reality he has located the other main characters and is “waking them up” to this fact. (FYI – I think I am beginning to lose all sense of cohesion in my life. I have started writing “Worm Holes For Dummies” but I keep getting hung up on the part about worms being asexual).
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