Lost And Found

‘House Hunters’ is out and ‘I Shouldn’t Be Alive’ is in.

This is what I call my new “train wreck” show – I can’t stop watching it. The past few weekends they have been running a marathon and I can barely tear myself away to get something to drink or go to the bathroom. If you have never watched this show before, this is pretty much the synopsis. Someone is (a) lost in the outback/desert/ocean/mountains or (b) they aren’t “lost” necessarily but just unable to save themselves because they have crushed both their legs; are in a hypothermic state and cannot move OR they have gone so long without food and water that all they can do is lay down and wait for death. That about sums it up. Episode after episode of “Oh my god WILL they make it – and of course they do because there they are telling their story. I mean each show is pretty much the same, you would think that with the mystery gone I could just turn off the T.V. and walk away. Not so much.

When I first started watching it was a real adrenalin rush for me. I felt their panic and would cry along with them as they relived the anguish of possibly never seeing their families again – fighting against all odds to survive.

I would pause the television multiple times so that I could recount what had happened to Ang, who was usually in the other room trying to tune out my frequent Tourette-like outbursts.

“OH MY GOD…can you believe he is going to actually EAT that dead porcupine?!!” “Ang!! You have to see this! This lady fell out of a PLANE – broke every bone in her body and still managed to crawl 18 miles to a gas station! How I ask you – how did she do this?!
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Santa Baby

I have GOT to get me one of those manger scenes that has Santa holding the baby Jesus. Because nothing screams Christmas like a bearded old fat man cuddling our Lord. If this can honestly make sense to the masses then I expect to see the Easter bunny holding a wake.

Obviously, someone came to the realization that despite the onslaught of wooden yard art begging us to keep ‘Christ in Christmas,’ Santa was still getting all the fan fare. Let’s face it – he does bring all the presents. On the other hand, if Jesus were still around then I’m thinking that whole ‘turning water into wine’ thing would be hugely popular. An endless supply of Pinot Grigio for some lucky girl or boy! Of alcoholic parents. I’m just saying…it would go over big.

Santa has commercialism on his side. What Jesus needs to do is…well for one…get out of the damn cradle already. What is that all about anyway? Who stays a baby FOREVER. Every December 25th Jesus is what? AN INFANT! How about letting him grow up, then kids could sit on his lap and proclaim their wishes. Times have changed and Jesus needs to keep up, lets get him a publicity manager and have him do some charity work again. Maybe show him having a round of golf with Jerry Lewis or speaking at a ‘Walk For The Cure’ breast cancer rally. Jesus knows this stuff and frankly Santa, for the most part, is a recluse. I think this could be his undoing.

Be that as it may, Christmas is what it is and it’s probably not going to change.

So thanks to the Crusades and a dying Pagan religion we now have the holiday of hodge-podginess known as Christmas. It’s Jesus’ BIRTHDAY!! Bring presents! And a dying tree that we can gussy up real purdy-like.

House Hunters Anonymous

Okay – I already know I watch way too much of “House Hunters” on HGTV, but because I do there are some things that I’ve come to notice. Like why is there always one really stupid couple that shouldn’t even be able to ride public transportation let alone buy a house. Last night’s couple – a 20 something Ugly Betty type and her pedophile looking boyfriend. Seriously, he had huge black rimmed glasses that were so thick I was afraid if he stared at anything too long it might burst into flames – and although he had “smiley face” killer written all over him, he was the more clever of the two. Betty just kept mumbling on about paint choices oblivious to the actual “structure” she was walking through – could have been touring a tug boat for all she knew.

She kept saying things like, “Hey I like this room. It’s green.” “Hey, these light switch covers are really cool but I noticed water was pouring out of one of them – is that bad??” The two of them ran through the gauntlet of houses before narrowing it down to the top three. I couldn’t help but notice that pedophile guy was always interested in the basement and kept commenting on the walls being made of thick concrete. His exact quote: “Yeah, and this concrete is at least 2 feet thick – you can bang on it and yell and no one can hear you.” Run away Betty. Run Fast.
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